(Click on any image to make it giant-size! Hit 'refresh' if all the images don't load.)
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983)I'm still perplexed by the arrangement of the figures seen here. This is something I spent many childhood hours trying to decode. Sure, the ones from Jedi are all at the bottom but the rest are a mishmash. A Bespin Guard next to a Tusken Raider? Vader next to Yoda?! There are so many missed opportunities: they could have been organized by film, or by allegiance, or release date, or planet of origin, or age... I must stop. I told myself I wouldn't do this again.
(Note the ravaged bottom right corner where the proof of purchase was removed.)
If you like this image you may be interested in a print of a later Kenner photo shoot by photographer Kim Simmons.
Super Powers Collection (1985) 
Secret Wars (1984)
TRON (1982)
Thundercats (1986) 
Thundercats Miniatures (1986) 
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (1983)
Robotech (1985)
Universal Monsters (1980) 
The Legend Bruce Lee
The Other World (1983)
The Real Ghostbusters (1986)Their tag line strikes me as funny, "Join the Real Ghostbusters in their ghost-chasing pursuits!" It seems downright academic compared to what it would be now, something like "Bustin 2 the X-treme makes me feel goooood!" By the time these arrived Kenner had proven themselves masters in the art of action figuring. I'm still not comfortable with the different colored coveralls, just as I frowned upon the Ninja Turtles getting different colored masks, but I suppose I understand the logic. The proton packs were well designed, but there was no easy way to remove the "particle stream" so the guys were constantly shooting each other.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1988)I got my first real job, landscaping, when I was sixteen years old. Soon as I received my first paycheck I promptly cashed it and took the money to Wal-Mart where I purchased the first ten Ninja Turtle figures and a radar detector.
Robocop (1988)Quite a bit of kiddie entertainment in the 1980s was derived from R-rated source material such as Rambo, Police Academy, Commando, and most astonishingly, The Toxic Avenger. This was frustrating to kids like myself who didn't have lax parents. Kenner pioneered the trend when they produced their 18-inch figure based on Ridley Scott's Alien in 1979. Getting the Robocop figure didn't contribute to my delinquency but watching the movie at the drive-in with my friend and his lax mother may have.
Swamp Thing (1990)1990? Sorry Swampy, you're not welcome in this list. Wait, before you go I must say that your lame villains look like they stuck finger puppets on their heads.
Donkey Kong (1982) Before the princess, Mario dated Pauline. Now you know. I always thought it was freaky that she was playing a game of Donkey Kong. These days they call that being "meta."
Pac-Man (1982) Some creative liberties were definitely taken here for the sake of a buck: groom Pac-Man... dead Pac-Man? It all paints a pretty bleak picture- he eats, he's chased, he gets married, he dies.
Donkey Kong (1982) 
Pac-Man (1982) 
Pee-Wee's Playhouse (1988)Hmmm, all that stuff sounded really good; I'd better go hit ebay.
M*A*S*H* (1982)This is the series that's known for bringing the first cross-dressing character to the toy shelves. I bought this one when I was a teenager so I can't imagine how children would actually play with these figures. They only make slightly more sense than the Love Boat figures that came out around the same time. However, mixing the two sets would have been epic.
Masters of the Universe (1981)
G.I. Joe (1989)If you must know why I held out on G.I. Joe until the late 80s it's because of one tiny detail— rivets. The four-inch Joes had shiny metal joints on their shoulders, and having grown so accustomed to Star Wars figures with their seamless, yet permanently stiff arms, I found the new approach too aesthetically distracting. For years I remained in denial of the fact that the cool poses they were capable of far outweighed the flaw. But it's just as well, I was able to focus on my precious Star Wars without having my resources divided among the two competing franchises.
Eventually Hasbro took over Star Wars and added full, rivet-less articulation to them while removing the metal eyesores from their G.I. Joe line, all proving that there is hope for humanity.
Eventually Hasbro took over Star Wars and added full, rivet-less articulation to them while removing the metal eyesores from their G.I. Joe line, all proving that there is hope for humanity.
Captain Power (1987)
Beetlejuice (1989)Can you spot Kenner's conspiracy to punish the casual Beetlejuice fan? Imagine that you want a Beetlejuice—just a plain Beetlejuice. Not one dressed like an artist, or one with a head that looks like a merry-go-round, or a groom— just the normal one. Yeah, there it is, the one pictured with the Vanishing Vault. It doesn't exist! Unless of course you buy Showtime Beetlejuice and stick its head on Spinhead Beetlejuice. Then you're forced to piece together the unwanted remnants to form a horrendous groom-body/carousel-head guy. Well, I guess you could give that one to your cousin and he'd probably be totally grateful.
Defenders of the Earth (1985) 
The Interchangables (1985)If you thought these were called Micronauts it's because they were before the Mego company folded and sold the molds to Hourtoy. If you thought these were called Microman it's because you are Japanese and that's what they were before Mego introduced them to the United States. Rather than upholding the legacy of the originals Hourtoy shamed them by using inferior plastic and changing the contents of the sets.
As a kid I was baffled and even a bit frightened of the Micronauts toy line. They looked cool, but they lacked visual coherence. Who was the main character? Why did their vehicles look so stupid and come with weird spare pieces? Were they puzzles or toys? All I did know is that they were cold, eerie, and super skinny so I fled. Hoping to gain some understanding I bought the Marvel comic book, but it confused me even more with its slew of characters that weren't part of the toy line. When I grew older still, I bought this "Cosmic Warp Chamber" in another attempt to make sense of it all. It only filled me with more questions, and there was no internet to sooth my mental turmoil.
As a kid I was baffled and even a bit frightened of the Micronauts toy line. They looked cool, but they lacked visual coherence. Who was the main character? Why did their vehicles look so stupid and come with weird spare pieces? Were they puzzles or toys? All I did know is that they were cold, eerie, and super skinny so I fled. Hoping to gain some understanding I bought the Marvel comic book, but it confused me even more with its slew of characters that weren't part of the toy line. When I grew older still, I bought this "Cosmic Warp Chamber" in another attempt to make sense of it all. It only filled me with more questions, and there was no internet to sooth my mental turmoil.
Star Trek: The Next Generation (1988)Say, what's up with Worf's photo? Is he in front of a blue screen? What a joke!
Okay, okay, I take that back. Sorry, I'm just a little bitter about these; they were supposed to be in lieu of a 401k plan.
Nightmare Warriors (1983)This is such a wonderful B-grade line; an obvious attempt at tricking grandmas into thinking they are Skeletor's brothers. The set includes some of history's most interesting characters, only dead. I like that there's room for both a Roman soldier and a medieval knight, A less subtle toy company might have just thrown a wizard or an astronaut into the mix. I notice that they opted not to name the U.S. soldier after anybody real. Is it "too soon" after the world wars?
(There's a nice post on these at Weirdo Toys.)
(There's a nice post on these at Weirdo Toys.)
